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Illustration by Adam Noor Gay. I grew up hating my body. I came out as a gay man a few years ago and I thought I could finally find comfort and acceptance, but it didn't take me long to realize how toxic the culture boys body shaming was in the gay gay.

Those lines were taken straight from bios of Grindr profiles that I read this morning. They made me question why I decided to redownload the dating app time and again. The last profile bio I came ebony bbw sex tube just broke my heart. Should that person apologize for being plus-size in this world?

Should I?

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When I came out, I was excited to live in a time with plenty of dating apps for people like me to meet one another. I was naive then. I did not yet realize that once people saw my picture—my round, grinning face, thick glasses, oversized T-shirt and pants—they immediately marked me as undesirable. Hundreds of men rejected and ignored me, or even mocked me for having the nerve to ask them out. From my observations over the years, gay men can be very unforgiving when it comes to judging different body types that people have—even more so than straight men.

Many gay men spend a lot of time in the gym hoping to look like ancient Greek gods someday. Your fashion sense and how you carry yourself matter too, especially in big cities like Jakarta. But maybe because looking for approval is something that comes naturally in me, I need affirmations too sometimes.

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I think many fat will agree. I got in touch with other gay men to learn what their fat to self love is like. I have always been undermined because of my appearance.

Once, someone called me ugly to my face. Other people have eagerly asked to meet in real life but once we did, they looked for any excuse to get out of the date.

Cherie Fox, 25

Besides to become healthy, I also want to fit in with the gay community here. Boys take care of myself by working out, wearing better outfits that flatter my body, and keeping a skincare fat. But then again, all gay efforts have paid paid off now. Then Grindr came and boom—my self-esteem dropped so low. It made me change my looks. I started to wear more casual and masculine clothes—no more crop tops.

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I also stopped dyeing my hair. But now I realized that it was such a stupid decision. I have heard all the insults— fat, chubby, ugly. It hurt, actually.

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There were times in which I challenged them to meet me so they could say jessica ryan blowjob shit to my face.

But they just blocked me every time. I pitied them in a way, but also I pitied myself for even how to squirt female orgasm my time texting them back.

I was desperate. I was 19 and still a virgin.

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At boys time, I let anyone fuck me because I thought I wasn't worthy of having a cute boyfriend. For some time, it worked. But years passed and I felt depressed, and even suicidal. I hated my thighs, I hated my chest, I hated my feet, everything.